Reflective

I want to use the word, “Sad,” for what I have been feeling these past few days. But that would be the wrong word – it is too strong; its connotation is too much.

I have been reflective about my life (one need only review my Facebook posts for the last week for proof of this). I have been playing, “What if.”

What if I made different choice here, or another decision at a key moment in time? What I discovered is that there are pivotal moments that cannot be changed in one’s life. I realized that choosing a different option would have meant a different career, or city, or partner. It was a fascinating thought experience.

Some writers, I have read somewhere, are encouraged to ponder “what if.” I use this technique in my own writings. It helps me think of different scenarios, different character development, and alternate conclusions.

I hadn’t really thought about why I have been so reflective lately until now. I am a bit home sick. I miss my family and the friends I had back there (some, unfortunately, are gone completely; they’ve gone onward to the great expanse). I haven’t been seeing my friends here either – I kind of been hibernating, it has been a long winter. I also feel that I have neglected my friends. I need to reconnect with people. For the most part, I am a people person. I enjoy and thrive when I connect with people. Unfortunately, this usually encompasses drinking, and I wish to continue curtailing my drinking – I guess I could just go out to eat and hold off on the drinking part.

Anyway, this is the point where I find myself. I just wanted to put that out there and let my friends and family know I miss them and value their company.

—Robert Confiant 24 May 2018

I took a tumble yesterday

Yesterday I took a tumble and I fell. It was the first time I have fallen for almost six months my right foot hit the filing cabinet as I was turning the corner. I was walking too fast when I hit it.

falling

I did what I always do after I fell; I picked myself up declaring I was fine then sat at my desk. I also brushed it off with a joke that I have fallen so many times in my life; I know how to fall without hurting myself seriously. On one such fall, I even managed to do a complete summersault without getting a scratch on me.

To say. “I have fallen a lot,” is probably an under statement on my part. I have fallen and a lot of those times I have scratched the shit out of my hands and/or elbows. I usually fall on the pavement since a lot of the times the pavement can be uneven.

My cerebral palsy affects mainly my right foot. When I was younger, my right foot turned in 45 degrees and I used to drag it a bit, so that caused me to fall a lot on the sidewalk. This was especially true if I was speeding, or tired. or just didn’t pick up my feet, or any combination of all the above. At eighteen, I had my final corrective surgery at Sick Kids. The doctors broke the foot just above the ankle and turned the foot thirty degrees the other way and locked it in a cast. It partially worked. The hope was that the foot, once the cast was removed, would be straight. it really didn’t. It turned a bit leftward instead of turning rightward (like it did before the surgery. The funny thing with surgery is that for the most part, it corrects somethings and creates other complications, which at first are not always apparent.

So, I fell a lot when I was younger, and I continued to fall a lot as I aged. I still learnt to fall without serious injury to myself (Except, as I mentioned above, my hands and/or my elbows, and my ego it embarrasses the shit out of me every time people would make a big deal out of it. It still does). Once I sat down for a little bit, the same co-worker came over and asked, “Seriously, are you okay?” I assured him I was even though, at the time, I did ache slightly (I am fine, it’s been hours and I feel nothing unusual, so I am good. I just want to put that out there).

The point of this post is about the actual fall. Before this fall, I started a pill (Dantrolene) I have been taking for about a year now its been; before this fall, I would have fallen hard. “Like a ton of bricks,” as the saying goes. This was like my falls used to be like.

I used to fall hard and getting up was like lifting dead weight. Not yesterday’s fall, I didn’t fall that hard. There was a lighter aspect to it. I don’t know how else to put it in words. Plus, it was easier to pick myself up. It didn’t seem as if it was “dead weight.” I cannot put it into better terms.

Suffice to say, “Yesterday’s fall felt, and was, different than all the previous falls in the past.”

I believe the medicine made all the difference.
—Robert Confiant 23 May 2018

 

To be honest or not

I may or may not publish this post. I will write it and give it a while before, or if, I post this posting.

When one should be honest, first to oneself and then to others.

honest

This is the question… It is a lot like the coming out process, where one needs to come out to oneself and to be honest to oneself about being LGBTQ first before one can come out to others.

I was 22 years old before I admitted to myself that what I was more than a phase. I was 29/30 years old when I was ready to come out to others, but something prevented my coming out. It would take another 10 years for me to come out; I was 40 years old. I have always known that I was gay. I just didn’t know it had a name until I was 14 years old.

Anyway, I am at another crossroad in my life. I wish to retire, but I cannot realistically do this for another 4 years. I wish to take up writing full-time; however, unless my writing starts producing large quantities of money, it isn’t going to happen, and winning the lottery is a pipe dream, so I have no other option than to continue working.

Oh well, 4 years is not too long, the time will fly by.

I am of a generation where we were raised to do an honest day’s work. I plan to do this until the end (It is just some days will be harder than others. Although to be fair on myself, I really do work hard most days).

As a result, I will continue browsing write on the side. This is better than not writing at all.

I am just being honest with myself and to others. It is how I feel now.
—Robert Confiant 22 May 2018

 

Another bus ride into work

Well, it’s another week. It was a holiday in Canada yesterday and I get every other Friday off, so I have a “three-day” week.

I went out yesterday, twice, a rare event lately; you can trust me on this. I have a non-exciting life (well, if one considers staying in and writing boring, then it is. I don’t consider my time spent writing boring). I had brunch with some gay friends I hadn’t seen in a while, and dinner with a couple for the same reason. Both outings were good times.

I am still busy writing, but now I am working on my second book. I am just reviewing the first part I wrote before I continue with the novel (I stopped for quite a long time because it’s been crazy at my regular full-time job and I burnt out and needed a break).

burnt out

On my first book, I stopped because I was stuck. I couldn’t seem to get the story to flow. It wasn’t the same for the sequel. For the sequel, the reason I stopped was burn out. I am back at it and hope to have first draft completed in a few months (any volunteers for first readers – I am looking for those writer’s out there in cyberspace who enjoys Young Adult SF/F. I need honest, brutal criticism).

And don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I can take it. I want it to be good.
—Robert Confiant 22 May 2018

 

I have been busy writing

I’ve been away for a bit. I have been busy writingI have been working on my first book with re-editing. I published it before, but it was disastrous. I hope one day soon to get it edited properly and republish it again. Hopefully, republishing it at a cheaper cost.

In the meantime, I have re-started writing the sequel called, “Dragon Fire.” I am almost a third of the way through the second book. I hope to complete the first draft no later than the end of fall, then I will need a few “first readers” to destroy the heck out of it.

shutterstock_133158410

I am in the “writing zone.” I haven’t stopped writing for three weeks now. I cannot post here everyday; however, I will try to post here at least two or three times a week.

For now, I will get back to the book.

Sorry for this post being short and sweet this time.
—Robert Confiant 20 May 2018

I can’t read…

I can’t read. Try as I might, I cannot read.

I am tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, so that is part of the reason why I am tired. Another reason is because the day was very busy at work. It didn’t help that the project was boring and a bit of a humdrum task, but it had to be done. I wanted to get it over with, except for lunch, I skipped my breaks. I am not quite finished the project, but I only have a bit to finish it off tomorrow.

It’s strange. I can write. As I write this, the writing flows easily. It’s been like this for a few weeks now. I am taking advantage of it. I cannot read, but I am managing to write.

I will go to bed early tonight. I think I worked too hard on the editing last night (I was editing my first book before I restarted on its sequel). I think, I over did it last night. I couldn’t silence my mind enough to fall asleep. I won’t do this tonight.

I believe this is what I’ll do. I’ll stop here.
—Robert Confiant 17 May 2018

On writing ideas

I am never too sure where my ideas originate.

ideas

When I need to write, when I must write, I find it difficult to do so sometimes (most of the time). I realized that when I am not pressured, like when I take transit, my writing flows easier and without restraint. It is easy to write.

I have often wondered where I get my ideas.  Most often it is triggered from a thought, or my experiences, or observing my surroundings.

I am a city kid. Grew up in a large Canadian city. On those rare occasions when I would travel into the countryside, “God’s country,” we called it. The get away was a great inspiration for me. I am not too sure whether it was just the natural environment I was in, or the recharge and relaxation, or the scenic view, or a combination of these factors; however, being outdoors was a great inspiration for me.

I love writing. It a strange profession though, some days the writing comes easier than others. I am just glad I rediscovered it again. Sometimes, I wish I had never stopped writing. I found my passion.

This passion fulfills my life.
—Robert Confiant 15 May 2015

P.S. Two posting in one day. Go figure.