I must admit that I have been a bit of a downer lately

I have been in a bit of a bummer state of mind.

I must admit the brace thing was difficult. It found it difficult to use. I could not put it on and take it off myself. Really, it was the taking it off part that made it difficult. I had to rely on my other half to get it off, and this made me bulk at the idea of wearing a brace. I was bummed that I had to rely on someone else.

I am probably one of the most stubborn people anyone can know. I must be to deal with having a ‘dis ability’ (sic). I have spoken with others with Cerebral Palsy (CP), and many of them are likewise just as stubborn as I am. Most of us also have a wicked, if not weird, sense of humour. One must when one deals with being viewed by other as being less of a person, or to be viewed by others as being different.

With my first jobs, I realized that my bosses were surprised at how good of a worker I was. I worked hard to prove that I had the right to be in those jobs. I am sure, looking back at things now, that my bosses never expected me to be such a hard worker. I gave everything I had to do those jobs.

I had one manager tell me once that when he first saw me he thought he had made a terrible mistake (he hired me over the phone and he was unaware of my Cerebral Palsy, and when he did see me, he thought he made a mistake), but he decided it couldn’t hurt to give me a shot at the job. He told me much later that hiring me was a good decision on his part.
I am proud that I got so far in my life despite having a mild ‘dis ability.’

I worked hard. I did not always succeed the first time, but I rarely gave up easily. I also enjoyed being self-sufficient, so when I had to rely on some assistance, I did not always handle it with grace.

My new doctor, a specialist, the first specialist I have seen regarding my Cerebral Palsy since I was eighteen, when he told me I might need crutches, I was heartbroken. It felt like a step backward; like I was more of a ‘Crip.’ When I saw him again my doctor gave me a prescription a muscle relaxant in the hopes that it might help improve my walking. I was truly elated to give it a try.

I have been on the drug for two days now. The side effects of dizziness, tiredness, and weakness quickly appeared. The muscles in my legs went from very tense to loosen. I struggled to walk and to hold myself upright when I stood. My legs wiggled like jelly. By the end of the first day, my thighs and hamstrings ached and burned. Today I struggled through most of the day. By the late afternoon, I found my footing and I did not feel as tired as I had earlier.

I will continue with the drug for a while. I have a follow up exam at the end of next week. We will discuss how I am doing. Although it may still be determined that I require crutches, I am not afraid for I will still have my independence, of sorts, and I will not have to rely on anyone else.

Prideful I know, but I cannot help it. I have fought all my life to achieve self success, and I am unwilling to given up the reigns just yet.
—Robert Confiant 18 May 2017 (mod 25 March 2018)



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