The last post I discussed that I always knew, or part of me did any way, I was gay. In the post, I stated that I dated. The word “date” here might be overstated.
I grew up and attended Catholic K -8 grade school in a community where it was half Italian and half ‘English’ (for want of a better word with English, Irish and Scottish ancestry mix), and where never the two shall mix.
As I stated in my previous post, I always had crushes on girls who were out of reach (I believe that was more subconscious on my part). While in grade school, I tended to have had crushes on the Italian girls; I don’t think it was reciprocal; since, they never showed any interest in me. To be honest here, I don’t know if it was just me, or the fact that I wasn’t Italian myself, or the fact I had Cerebral Palsy, or a combination of these. It doesn’t matter – they clearly were not interested. It was slightly different with the English girls.
With the English girls, I at least got a date to the dances, but there was never a follow up date. We would end up just being friends. And, this is how it continued throughout the rest of my life with girls and I just being friends.
When I finally came out, this was perfect. It was perfect because we had the topic of ‘men’ in common and the women liked it because there was no sexual tension between us. I think these women also liked the fact that they could get a perspective of a man on men. This arrangement of having female friends worked out for me because I found I could be completely myself (Straight me don’t discuss their feelings as freely; at least my generation of men do not).
On reflection at 56 yo, I believe I tried to date while younger because it was expected of me. I also think that if it wasn’t so ingrained in our culture, I wouldn’t have to have attempted dating. As I said in my previous post, my handicap hid a lot of questions.
I have no regrets about the past; I have no regrets at all.
—Robert Confiant 3 April 2018