All that I have lost… and all that I have gained

Before for I continue, I just want you dear reader to know that I am not sad, nor depressed. I am just feeling a bit melancholy.

Memories light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories of the way we were
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were

Songwriters: Alan Bergman / Marilyn Bergman / Marvin Hamlisch

I am remembering all those who have passed on before me: My brother, my father, my mother and Penny. Each of these people, have contributed to, and helped me form to be, the person who I am today. They all mean very much to me.

My brother and I are alike in many ways, but he was also someone whom I wished to emulate. He was kind, sensitive, and helpful. He was, like many Confiants, stubborn, determined and seemed confident. He taught me to ride a bike which provided me a means to move about freely other than walking. Cycling gave me the freedom to travel longer distances without having to rely upon others to drive me there. At that time, it became my main means of transportation. My brother also gave me my first, and only, driving lesson. In hindsight, I wish he was able to teach me to drive, but he moved away before we could continue the lessons, but he believed in me more than I sometimes believed in myself.

My mother taught me to be faithful, determined, and the practical lessons in life: Cooking, cleaning, and managing household affairs. She was the rock upon which the family stood; the glue which held everyone together. Her faith and perseverance were unshakeable.

My father and I were never close when I was younger, but we became so as I aged. He showed me what a man was supposed to be. He was my role model. Like all of us, not perfect, but he was a good man who worked hard and lived for the weekends. Overall, he lived to enjoy life; he lived to make the best out of what life had to offer. He celebrated life.

My friend Penny was someone I could have partnered with if I wasn’t gay. She was my soulmate. She was my best friend. We had a lot in common. We both loved reading and we both worked in a bookstore. She was intelligent, and a joy to be around. She was accepting and brave. She stood up for those who would not, or could not, stand for themselves – A trait I greatly admired because I am more of a “Fleer and a Fighter.” She was also non-judgemental; it was something that we had in common. What I appreciated about her the most was that we could always continue where we left off. This became important after she moved away, and I moved back into her life years later. I found out later, after she passed, that I never really knew certain aspects of her personality and the depth of her learning, but she never made me, or others, feel belittled.

Although I have lost those that meant so much to me, I have also gained. I have gained a partner and the best circle of friends a man could ask for.

My partner and I could not be any more opposite. He is more introverted while I am more of an extrovert. He has hobbies, of which, I have little, or no, intertest, and vice-versa. I know he cares for me and that he would never intentionally hurt me. I hope he knows I would be the same. He is my best friend first, and he loves me unconditionally.

My friends, what can I say? They have my back. I hope they realize that I would have theirs. They love me and I love them. I know they would be there for me if I ever needed them, and I would do the same for them.

I also have a terrific family. Unfortunately, we are not as close as we once were; that glue is gone; however, I know I can trust that they will always be there for me. We never really showed how we really feel for each other, but I know they love me, and I hope they realize that this is reciprocal.

We have all lost people or things. We also have all gained others and things we require both in, and out of life. The thing is… the thing is to be grateful for who and what we have. To cherish those who enter and leave our lives. We can only live in the now. One should always be thankful for everything in life; you can never tell when it will be gone.
—26 May 2019

P.S. One writes, what one writes; when the idea arises.

One thought on “All that I have lost… and all that I have gained

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