I’ve been quiet

Lounge

I’ve been quiet for want of a better word… On reflection though, perhaps the word ‘quiet’ sums things up rightly.

I did nothing this past weekend. I hadn’t felt like it. I just wanted to cocoon. Don’t get me wrong – I am not depressed. I just wanted to be alone. I am still in a reflective mood. The only thing making me leave the condo is work and work has been very trying this week with the work load picking up and the department being shorthanded (It always gets busy this time of year). So at the end of the work day, all I want to do is go home and have a beer.

I have been reading a lot. I should be writing, but my heart is not into it. Well, at least reading is sort of related with it being the other component of writing. This is where I find myself: Me wanting to hide out and chillaxing.

I guess some times we all need some alone time. I am off on vacation for two weeks starting next week. For you Americans, it is our Thanksgiving on Monday. I will cook the feast. It will kick off a much needed break.
—Robert Confiant 3 October 2018

I am a re-reader

I am a re-reader. If the book is enjoyable, then I will read it again. I do this for movies as well.

reading

Currently, I am re-reader the Harry Potter series; although, I am not doing so all at once. I do read something new between every book, or two.

I am on a young adult genre kick though. Call it, “Indirect research,” as I write YA Fantasy. I do not; however, stick to just the Fantasy genre. I read other types of materials. I find reading this material helpful to my writing as it has been a very long time since I was a teenager LOL.

I read a lot of fiction. I no longer read a lot of non-fiction, but I do have some mythology references, foreign language references, and some writing references. The references come in handy.

When I first got back into writing, and I began to take it more seriously I decided to take a few writing courses. One of my favorite writing courses was a grammar refresher course at UBC. The grammar refresher was very helpful. Although, I still have a long way to go before I become a good writer. I have observed improvement over the years, so I keep at it (Those who are familiar with this blog will know that “Improvement” is one of the criteria for me to remain doing something, or staying with a thing I am currently doing). Besides I love to write.

I am an avid reader and writer. It can be difficult trying to balance my time between these two activities, but I manage. I used to fret if I spent more time with one over the other. I don’t let it bother me anymore as both reading and writing are important.
—Robert Confiant 26 September 2018

 

 

What makes life worthwhile? What gets you motivated? What gets you up to face each day?

dawn1

What makes life worthwhile? What gets you motivated? What gets you up to face each day? These are interesting questions.

I myself cannot fully answer these questions, but I will attempt my best to answer them.
Because I must, I must get up. One has to earn a living. One has to earn an income to live. Life isn’t cheap: There is a rent/mortgage, food, clothing, and bills to pay. However, there must be more to life than being chained to the “nine to five” existence; there must be more to life than “Working for the man.” For me, writing and socializing fill the gap. I love to write. It has become my passion. I like to socialize as well. I am not good in a strange crowd, but over time I become more social. I am shy at first, but outgoing once I get to know people.

I like to meet a lot of different people from a lot of different places, and with a lot of different experiences in life. Everyone of us is unique. We all are different: We come from different classes, different cultures, different upbringings and different experience. It is a joy to learn about where people are at in life, where they have been and what their hopes and dreams are for the future. I get a kick out of learning about the people who come into my life.

I am a writer, so I write about what I know, and about what I like. Sometimes I write about what I have learnt and what I have experienced. I write about how I am doing or how I am feeling. I write about whatever comes to mind. I never really know what I will write until I sit down and start to write. Sometimes it is a topic.

I usually start with the topic on the opening line of my verse. It is still a wonder sometimes where I get my ideals; although, I try not to over analyze my writing procedure too much. I just accept that ideas come to me and I write about whatever idea has entered my brain – It’s as simple as that – no great mystery.

My partner helps get me motivated to face each day. My partner, in this case, is also my best friend. He loves me, and I him. I know he would never intentionally hurt me. This was a key in my search for a companion. We love each other unconditionally though. I accept him and he accepts me. It is why we rarely argue. We have never gone to sleep angry. We’ve always ironed out our differences before going to bed. It makes getting up in the morning easy.

So, these are the reasons that life is worthwhile, getting up is easy, and they are the things that help me face each day.
—Robert Confiant 7 July 2018

Gay and self-loathing

beers

I was out with two friends for a few drinks at a local watering hole yesterday (well it was local for two of us, for the other person it used to be a local bar before he moved out of the neighbourhood). We got discussing about “the gay thing” and gay acceptance. This got me thinking a little while ago, so I just have to put my thoughts out there.

We are all from that generation where it was expected we’d get married and have kids. The pressure of conforming to societal norms was insurmountable. My two drinking companions each did the marry thing and had kids.

I could relate to the “not coming out” thing, but not the heterosexual normality. I was (as far as most people knew) asexual. I was celibate. I was going to come out in my early thirties, but my brother beat me to it. He had HIV and AIDS, so when my family asked if I were gay, I said, “No.” It was all I could do to prevent myself from hyperventilating if you want to know the truth; I was sweating and my heart was beating through my chest (or at least it felt like it). I said, “No,” for two reasons: I wasn’t acting on my impulses and I grew up strict Catholic, so I just stayed that way – celibate. I remained that way for another ten years. I came out at forty years old.

Even though the three of us knew we were gay, we didn’t come out until much later.

I cannot speak for my friends, but there was a lot of self loathing about my being gay. I knew what I was on some level, but I didn’t know what it was called until I was fourteen: “Homosexual/Gay.” All I knew before then was that I liked boys more than girls. As a Catholic, I knew this was wrong. I kept it to myself. I tried to “pray away the gay,” but the best I could manage was to be asexual.

I tried suicide. I am not sure if the gay thing played a part (maybe). I had other issues related to self-esteem and my disability. I think it is a combination of all of these that played a factor in my depression. I had to hit rock bottom before I sought out help. It slowly and eventually I got better.

Lots of queer people my age, or older, conformed to social norms and did the hetero-marriage thing. It was the pressure and the non-acceptance thing. Most did not want to be gay and they did everything in their power to ensure they weren’t gay. I think that is why a lot of my generation, and before, drank/drink so much after we came out. The drinking issue is not discussed much by gays, but apparently there have been studies done (Although, I do not wish to Google this, but there is a lot of material on this topic).

The point of this is that for the most part growing up in my generation, and before, there is a lot of self-loathing about being gay. From the discussion we had yesterday, it seems a lot of us have a lot of baggage because of it.

I guess that I wasn’t the only one. Some days, it felt that way.
—Robert Confiant 1 July 2018

 

 

The comings and goings in life

Facebook

I re-joined Facebook.

I deleted my account because of the data sharing issue, but returned because I missed connecting with friends and family (turns out my family is pretty quiet on FB lately). I returned because I live in British Columbia and they live in Ontario, so the distance thing is an issue. Also, I missed the friends I had on FB.

When I was a gamer, I had thousands of friends then I gave gaming up and a lot of them left (I encouraged them to leave if they were just gamers – no offense was taken. A few remained; namely those I chat with over the years). At the time I deleted my old account I had 200 to 300 “friends.” Now I have 50 or so friends and most of them are family. I am still trying to re-connect with those I used to chat with on a semi-regular basis, but I believe some of them have left FB. I may never re-connect with most of them, but such is life. People come into and out of one’s life throughout the course of the journey. It is just the way life is.

It really doesn’t matter in the long run. It won’t be long until Facebook is passé and it crashes and dies. It is just a matter of time (I really should get people’s contact information that I do not already have).

Any way the point is this, value your friends while you can. You never know what is coming up the pipe line. Don’t leave any regrets. You hear of people say, “I should have… told the person that you love them, that you valued the friendship, that they were special, etc. Don’t be one of these people that regret not speaking up.
—Robert Confiant 27 June 2018

I am having difficulty completing this book series

Another bus ride into work. I get a few days off in July, but other than that I don’t have vacation until October. It isn’t so bad. The months seem to be passing fast (too quickly).

I am still reading which ends up triggering writing ideas. Although this is more not the case. I just felt like writing instead (I am getting bored with the final two books of the “Maze Runner” series – prequels). Five books in one make for a difficult read. It is not the series itself per second. I discovered that I get bored with series if I try to read them (sort of) back to back. It was the same withe the seven books of The Chronicles of Narnia, or The Outlander Series, or The Game of Thrown five book package, or A Wrinkle in Time Series. But to be honest, I didn’t get though the first book of The Outlander series, nor GOT. I will try again in the future.

books

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I read a lot. I just get bored sometimes. It happens I guess. I think there are only a few books where I got halfway though and that was it. No offense to their writers, but Stanley Park and Girl on a Train come to mind. I just didn’t care how the books ended (and I read at least half the book). It’s funny how book reading can be. One can either love or dislike a book. Some books one just cannot get into even when that person has given the book an honest try.

I can read pretty much any where. In a crowded pub, on a crowded bus or train, while watching TV (well, it’s on in the background), or with the radio on.

What are some of your reading issues, habits, etc.? Let me know in a comment below.
—Robert Confiant 26 June 2018

I have been doing a lot of reading lately

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Currently, I am on the fourth book of The Maze Runner series by James Dashner, although I have read other novels between each book. Gone are the days I could read a whole series in one sitting. I cannot even binge watch on Netflix without a bit of a break (after two episodes, I need a break). Anyway, the point is I am reading a lot.

The Maze Runner Complete Series

It amazes me how authors come up with these stories. As an author myself, I have a better insight as to how these ideas manifest themselves. Authors write what we know, what we like, what we observe, what we think or feel, or believe; we write what gets triggered by those around them, or the environment, or their interactions with others; or we write about our dreams/nightmare. When one writes, almost anything can trigger an idea. Reading, I found, can be a valuable asset when one is a writer.

Reading can trigger writing ideas (what ifs scenarios). Reading re-enforces grammar. Reading introduces one to different writing styles. And reading can be enjoyable for its own sake.

Reading is fun; reading is good.
—Robert Confiant 21 Jun 2018