It is going to be one of those winters

I haven’t done much of what I should be doing I should be writing. I claim to be a writer, but I haven’t done much writing lately. I been doing a lot of YouTube and some reading (there is that at least – reading), so it hasn’t been a total waste of time.

VanRain

I am not too sure why I am in this rut, but I definitely in a lethargic mood. I don’t seem to want to do too much other than surf the net. Pathetic really when one thinks about the amount of time being unproductive. I can’t blame the work load either since before today I have been off for four days. Perhaps it’s because I still have a bit of congestion and I feel not a 100%. It still feels like an excuse though. I know I will go home and other than cook, I won’t do much else. Actually if truth be told, I just want to sleep. I think it’s the time change.

Last evening, time felt off by an hour off. I kept thinking that the clock was wrong. Every hour on the hour felt later than the clock was showing. I dislike that it gets darker earlier. Is not quite “Dark when you go to work, and dark when you go home from work,” but it is close.

I find the late fall and winter months very trying. We’ve been generally lucky with the weather thus far, but I know the rain season is near. I guess it could be worst. The weather and time change shouldn’t bother me, but I think this year might be the exception – these get to me every five years, or so – this year is that year.

I will get through it. I always manage. I just won’t be my “happy” self. I may be more of an isolationist and a little bluer. It happens. I have the SAD light at work. I think I will start using it; that will help me.

Here I am plodding onward.
—Robert Confiant 14 November 2018

I feel like crap

 

frustrationI feel like crap, but I went into work anyway. I figured its Friday, so I might as well drag my ass into work. This being shorthanded thing is getting tiresome. And, it looks like they won’t be hiring anytime soon (In the New Year maybe). Oh well, I took the first week off in January.

I plan on sleeping most of the day tomorrow to shake it off. It’s nothing serious. It’s just a touch of congestion. Terra will like it. She will end up sleeping with me on the bed rather than her usual haunts: her box, the footstool, or my other half’s computer chair.

I hope to feel up to working on another chapter. I am still trying to balance the reading and writing tasks with my everyday life. I’ve already beat my Goodreads goal of this year. I will have to boost my goal to 40 books next year, but I may reach that goal this year. If I do, then I will make it.my goal to read, or reread 52 books next year.

Other than these, not much is new. It’s the same old routine. I don’t have an exciting life. It’s pretty routine (Work, eat, sleep with reading, writing and some socializing thrown in).

Well, back to my reading. I am reading “This is Kind of an Epic Love Story,” by Kheryn Callender, so far, so good.
—Robert Confiant 2 November 2018

I have been working on the sequel

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I have been working on my sequel. I haven’t written any new chapters, but I fixed up what I already had written.

It felt strange and wonderful catching up with my characters and revisiting Lendaw. I can now continue onward, so I will not be pu

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I have been working on my sequel. I haven’t written any new chapters, but I fixed up what I already had written.

It felt strange and wonderful catching up with my characters and revisiting Lendaw. I can now continue onward, so I will not be publishing as frequently. I will try for once a week maybe twice. I still want to read when I am on transit. I have purchased a lot of e-books that I haven’t gotten to and I feel I should read them before I purchase any more. It is tricky juggling all I need and want to do, so this is my compromise.

I have been off for two weeks and during that time I have been reading and writing and playing/surfing/socializing on/via my computer. I also took time to just relax. Work has been busy and hectic, and we have been (are?) shorthanded, so I needed the break.

I am back to work (the routine) this week. It was a bit of a struggle getting up this morning after sleeping in for two weeks.

I will keep you posted and continue to post my stuff.

Until the next time,
—Robert Confiant 22 October 2018

 

I’ve been quiet

Lounge

I’ve been quiet for want of a better word… On reflection though, perhaps the word ‘quiet’ sums things up rightly.

I did nothing this past weekend. I hadn’t felt like it. I just wanted to cocoon. Don’t get me wrong – I am not depressed. I just wanted to be alone. I am still in a reflective mood. The only thing making me leave the condo is work and work has been very trying this week with the work load picking up and the department being shorthanded (It always gets busy this time of year). So at the end of the work day, all I want to do is go home and have a beer.

I have been reading a lot. I should be writing, but my heart is not into it. Well, at least reading is sort of related with it being the other component of writing. This is where I find myself: Me wanting to hide out and chillaxing.

I guess some times we all need some alone time. I am off on vacation for two weeks starting next week. For you Americans, it is our Thanksgiving on Monday. I will cook the feast. It will kick off a much needed break.
—Robert Confiant 3 October 2018

I am a re-reader

I am a re-reader. If the book is enjoyable, then I will read it again. I do this for movies as well.

reading

Currently, I am re-reader the Harry Potter series; although, I am not doing so all at once. I do read something new between every book, or two.

I am on a young adult genre kick though. Call it, “Indirect research,” as I write YA Fantasy. I do not; however, stick to just the Fantasy genre. I read other types of materials. I find reading this material helpful to my writing as it has been a very long time since I was a teenager LOL.

I read a lot of fiction. I no longer read a lot of non-fiction, but I do have some mythology references, foreign language references, and some writing references. The references come in handy.

When I first got back into writing, and I began to take it more seriously I decided to take a few writing courses. One of my favorite writing courses was a grammar refresher course at UBC. The grammar refresher was very helpful. Although, I still have a long way to go before I become a good writer. I have observed improvement over the years, so I keep at it (Those who are familiar with this blog will know that “Improvement” is one of the criteria for me to remain doing something, or staying with a thing I am currently doing). Besides I love to write.

I am an avid reader and writer. It can be difficult trying to balance my time between these two activities, but I manage. I used to fret if I spent more time with one over the other. I don’t let it bother me anymore as both reading and writing are important.
—Robert Confiant 26 September 2018

 

 

What makes life worthwhile? What gets you motivated? What gets you up to face each day?

dawn1

What makes life worthwhile? What gets you motivated? What gets you up to face each day? These are interesting questions.

I myself cannot fully answer these questions, but I will attempt my best to answer them.
Because I must, I must get up. One has to earn a living. One has to earn an income to live. Life isn’t cheap: There is a rent/mortgage, food, clothing, and bills to pay. However, there must be more to life than being chained to the “nine to five” existence; there must be more to life than “Working for the man.” For me, writing and socializing fill the gap. I love to write. It has become my passion. I like to socialize as well. I am not good in a strange crowd, but over time I become more social. I am shy at first, but outgoing once I get to know people.

I like to meet a lot of different people from a lot of different places, and with a lot of different experiences in life. Everyone of us is unique. We all are different: We come from different classes, different cultures, different upbringings and different experience. It is a joy to learn about where people are at in life, where they have been and what their hopes and dreams are for the future. I get a kick out of learning about the people who come into my life.

I am a writer, so I write about what I know, and about what I like. Sometimes I write about what I have learnt and what I have experienced. I write about how I am doing or how I am feeling. I write about whatever comes to mind. I never really know what I will write until I sit down and start to write. Sometimes it is a topic.

I usually start with the topic on the opening line of my verse. It is still a wonder sometimes where I get my ideals; although, I try not to over analyze my writing procedure too much. I just accept that ideas come to me and I write about whatever idea has entered my brain – It’s as simple as that – no great mystery.

My partner helps get me motivated to face each day. My partner, in this case, is also my best friend. He loves me, and I him. I know he would never intentionally hurt me. This was a key in my search for a companion. We love each other unconditionally though. I accept him and he accepts me. It is why we rarely argue. We have never gone to sleep angry. We’ve always ironed out our differences before going to bed. It makes getting up in the morning easy.

So, these are the reasons that life is worthwhile, getting up is easy, and they are the things that help me face each day.
—Robert Confiant 7 July 2018

Gay and self-loathing

beers

I was out with two friends for a few drinks at a local watering hole yesterday (well it was local for two of us, for the other person it used to be a local bar before he moved out of the neighbourhood). We got discussing about “the gay thing” and gay acceptance. This got me thinking a little while ago, so I just have to put my thoughts out there.

We are all from that generation where it was expected we’d get married and have kids. The pressure of conforming to societal norms was insurmountable. My two drinking companions each did the marry thing and had kids.

I could relate to the “not coming out” thing, but not the heterosexual normality. I was (as far as most people knew) asexual. I was celibate. I was going to come out in my early thirties, but my brother beat me to it. He had HIV and AIDS, so when my family asked if I were gay, I said, “No.” It was all I could do to prevent myself from hyperventilating if you want to know the truth; I was sweating and my heart was beating through my chest (or at least it felt like it). I said, “No,” for two reasons: I wasn’t acting on my impulses and I grew up strict Catholic, so I just stayed that way – celibate. I remained that way for another ten years. I came out at forty years old.

Even though the three of us knew we were gay, we didn’t come out until much later.

I cannot speak for my friends, but there was a lot of self loathing about my being gay. I knew what I was on some level, but I didn’t know what it was called until I was fourteen: “Homosexual/Gay.” All I knew before then was that I liked boys more than girls. As a Catholic, I knew this was wrong. I kept it to myself. I tried to “pray away the gay,” but the best I could manage was to be asexual.

I tried suicide. I am not sure if the gay thing played a part (maybe). I had other issues related to self-esteem and my disability. I think it is a combination of all of these that played a factor in my depression. I had to hit rock bottom before I sought out help. It slowly and eventually I got better.

Lots of queer people my age, or older, conformed to social norms and did the hetero-marriage thing. It was the pressure and the non-acceptance thing. Most did not want to be gay and they did everything in their power to ensure they weren’t gay. I think that is why a lot of my generation, and before, drank/drink so much after we came out. The drinking issue is not discussed much by gays, but apparently there have been studies done (Although, I do not wish to Google this, but there is a lot of material on this topic).

The point of this is that for the most part growing up in my generation, and before, there is a lot of self-loathing about being gay. From the discussion we had yesterday, it seems a lot of us have a lot of baggage because of it.

I guess that I wasn’t the only one. Some days, it felt that way.
—Robert Confiant 1 July 2018