It happens once in a while. I get melancholy.
I miss people and home sometimes it almost breaks my heart. I know I have built myself a good life here, but with dad’s birthday just passed, I am thinking of past times. God… We had good times. But then I remember those last three years, and how empty the old home felt before I moved here. I told my brother, “If he was smart, then he would get out.” He eventually did, but that is his tale to tell.
So I miss the home that was every once in a while, there is no going back. I have to remind myself that everything has changed. My parents are gone and the others have moved on with their lives.
I remember once I mentioned to my sister during a rough patch, after my BBF had passed away, that I missed Toronto and my family and the friends I had. My sister told me that I thought they all got together regularly to socialize. I built an idea that things were still the similar to what occurred in the past. She told me, “Sadly, they rarely get together. Life happens that way, life changes.” (I cannot remember her exact wording, so I am doing a bit of paraphrasing here, but the sentiment is there).
I have always found change to be the cornerstone of my life.
I have made so many changes in my life: I have moved more than a dozen times (in total) with the biggest move being to Vancouver, I have changed jobs/careers (some on purpose/some not), and when I retire we’ll be leaving BC (or as I to call it “the bring cash or bring credit province” ha, ha); we just cannot afford to retire here. It will be different, but that’s not a bad change. I do what is necessary for my ultimate good. Will I miss the people I have met here? Sure I will, but they can visit. It is not so bad.
I guess I am too much of a pragmatist.
—Robert Confiant 20 June 2018
I haven’t done much writing lately. I don’t have a reason. I have distracted myself with mundane tasks. I bought some new gadgets. I have been distracted with those. I feel like I have wasted my time.
I should be writing or learning French, or something more productive. Well at least I still found time for reading.
I have been reading Timothy Findley’s Famous Last Words. He was an interesting writer. He was fond of writing facts with a fictionalize narrative. In Famous Last Words, he wrote about Charles Lindbergh, Count Galeazzo Ciano, Rudolph Hess, Joachim von Ribbentrop, and the fictional character – Hugh Selwyn Mauberley who plot to establish a government with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor as head of state in the 1930s and 1940s. The book also references Ezra Pound and the Grand Elysium Hotel with mention of some of its famous guest. I read this back in 1990 but re-read it this week. I am almost finished. I have been reading it on the bus. You might say, “I have been savoring it.” It is an older book but one worth re-reading. I have been enjoying it more the second time around because I am more familiar with the historical aspects and characters of the book.
I have a new game plan. Because I have so many interests consuming my time and because I have been negligent with some of these interests over others, I have decided not to try to do a bit each day but to divide each day to a certain task – this is especially true for writing and learning French. I plan to spend a least two days a week for these two goals.
I get squirreled or dory-ed (as in the dog sees a squirrel in the middle of playing or chewing a bone and the movie about the forgettable fish).
—Robert Confiant 17 June 2018
If you leave me
I am not too sure what I would do
If you leave me
I will stray
I will wither away
If you leave me
I will cry
Until my tears run dry
If you leave
I will be lost
That’s the cost
—Robert Confiant 11 June 2018
I must be strange, but I could ride transit all day., so that I may write.
I can write on transit. It doesn’t matter how loud, or how crowded it gets. I can still write. I am not too sure how I accomplish this feat. One would think that transit would be the worst place to try to write.
When I wrote my first book, I wrote the outline while travelling on transit. I also write these many blog posts, short story outlines, some poetry and verse, all while navigating the streets either on the bus, or SkyTrain.
Somehow, I get into this zone where all I concentrate on is writing in Evernote. I manage to ignore what is happening around me.
Perhaps it’s because I am stuck in one place with nothing to do. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything else to distract me from my writing. I am sure this is the reason why I write so well on transit.
At home, there are lots of distractions: There is Terra (my cat), reading, watching the news, surfing the web on YouTube, Facebook, Google, or Mah-jongg, or Solitaire gaming.
Other Sudoku, and my headphones, there is not much to distract me from my writing. So yeah, I can write on the bus. Maybe the next few transit trips I will try to complete the outline of the next book. Yeah, maybe I will try to complete the next outline. Yes, I believe I will.
If that works out, then I think I’ll take to riding transit all day.
—Robert Confiant 9 May 2018